Chapter 1

The choppy waves sprayed a salty mist over the side of the ship. The sun climbed higher as the red tint of dawn gave way to a crisp clear day. The wind was cold and sharp in the younger Hobbit’s face.

Tears stung his eyes. He peered back towards the horizon of the Rising Sun. He was traveling the path of Earendil for the first time in his life. This thought comforted him a little, as he had often longed to traverse the seas.

But his ebullience was cut with the pangs of longing for the Shire and the shores of Middle Earth which he would never see again. They had slipped beyond the horizon before nightfall the previous eve, and land was no longer visible. All about him was Blue water and Clear sky.

He felt an arm clasp his shoulders; he was no longer alone. The Younger smiled with his glistening eyes at the Elder stooped beside him.

“I didn’t hear you sneaking up behind me Uncle,” he laughed sadly.
“This brisk Sea Air has given me back my legs already,” replied the Elder cheerily. He looked at the Younger with concern.
“Are those tears Frodo?”

“N…no…,” stammered Frodo. “Just a splash of sea water Uncle Bilbo.”
“It’s alright, my boy. Let it out. There will be time for Joy soon enough. For now, let your grief flow.”

And the tears streamed down Frodo’s cheeks unabated.
“I miss the Shire already Uncle. I didn’t really fit in there any longer, but I feel as if I have left half of me behind.”
“Ah, that is as it should be Lad. You wouldn’t be alive if you didn’t feel that way,” Bilbo smiled kindly at Frodo.

“Thank you Uncle Bilbo.” Frodo wrapped his arms tightly around the wizened Old Halfling smiling wetly. “I feel better already.”
“Of course you do Frodo.” After a moment they fell apart.

Bilbo had a sparkle in his eye, and a single tear trickled from the corner.
“What is it Uncle?” There was something odd about Bilbo’s look.

“Frodo…my boy…I…I have something to tell you that I’ve wanted to say for a very, very long time. And when I’ve finished, you may not want to call me ‘Uncle’ any longer.”
“Don’t be silly Uncle. There’s nothing you can tell me that could diminish my love for you.” He peered quizzically at Bilbo.

“Frodo, I’m going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone…noone…only one other knows for certain (though others no doubt suspect)—and I hope to see her again in Valinor.”
“Uncle,” Frodo was beginning to feel alarmed, and very puzzled. “What do you mean? Who are you expecting to see in Valinor?”
“I…I…I probably should start at the beginning my dear, dear boy.” And for some reason Bilbo turned very red-faced.

“Come Frodo. Let us sit, I may be feeling spryer than I have in ages, but this is a long tale and it—you—deserve a proper telling.”

GB

"Alright, Uncle. Let's sit on the poop."
Once they were settled, Bilbo began. "Now what I'm about to tell you may shock you at first, but in the end I hope you'll be glad, for while it begins with me, quite pleasantly thank you very much, it ends with you, and don't we agree it's good you're even here? Of course we do!"
"I don't understand..."
"Nor can you, for I have kept my secret a long long time." Bilbo fell silent but the firmness of his expression told Frodo that the old hobbit was deterimed to tell his tale.
But Frodo felt anxious. "'Begin with you and end with me?' What do you mean?"
Bilbo sighed. "Have you ever heard of Beren and Luthien?"
"Yes indeed."
"And of course you know about Aragorn and Beren?"
"Yes, Uncle, of course I do. You know that. Why do you hesitate? Why, you seem to be beating around the bush. Why is that?"
Bilbo sighed again. "Yes, I've beaten around the odd bush or two in my time, but I'm too old for it now. Frodo! Have you ever heard of the Lady Itaril?"
"Yes. She was an Elf Maiden from Mirkwood wasn't she?"
""Yes, at least formerly an Elf Maiden... but that was a long long time ago..." A sparkle glinted in the elder's eye, as if he was now recalling something very special.
"Speak on, Uncle Bilbo. I'm keen to hear your tale!"
"What I mean is," Bilbo said distractedly, talking more to himself than Frodo, "'What's good for The Man is good for The Hobbit?' Isn't that a well known saying?"
"No it's not!"
"Nowadays, you'd know it in this form: 'What's good for the goose is good or the gander.' The meaning, I might add, has changed slightly from way back when...."
"Uncle Bilbo, will you get on with it!"
"Listen then and I'll tell you. You're a grown-up hobbit and so I'll tell it straight, leaving out all innuendos and euphemisms... No, maybe I won't. You being a lifelong celibate and all... I don't want to shock you with anything too graphic..."
"Oh Bilbo! Just get on with it!"
"Well, it all began one evening while I was slinking around the halls and passages of the Elven King's Halls. I mean to say, how on earth could I have known that that little out of the way passageway led down to the bathing pool? The Forbidden Bathing Pool"?"
"Speak on," Frodo exclaimed, suddenly very interested.
And so Bilbo spoke on...

Ah dueling chapters is it Odo? I thought you were writing the Galadriel version of the tale . I'm already working on my Chapter 2, but knock yourself out. My version is more LotRish drama (with as much "appropriate" humour as I can muster) rather than Naughty Hobbit Spoof. Though you have apparently anticipated The Forbidden Bathing Pool (not to mention a line or two regarding Beren and Luthien and Aragorn and Arwen , curse you ).

GB

Great stuff so far. GB, I'm looking forward to Chapter 2.

Do your best buddy boy! Let's see this 'fabled' Chapter 2 before you begin to bag! A chapter on the page is worth two in the imagination.

(Hey! I might even write something serious and confound you all!)

As to this being your 'thread': well, you shouldn't have put it somewhere I could get at it, now should you? (Presumably you don't have kids!)

Anyhow, enough of foreplay, I'll throw down the gauntlet. Take it up if you dare!

CHAPTER TWO.....

Chapter Two


Both Hobbits—the Elder and the Younger—sat on a low cushioned bench against the starboard railing of the stern. Bilbo reached into his cloak and pulled out a parcel of food, a jug of Elf-Wine, two cups, and his pipe. Striking his flint, he lit the pipe and was soon puffing smoke rings.

After a short spell, a ham and cheese sandwich, an apple, a pork pie, a boiled egg, and several cups of Elf-Wine, the two Hobbits relaxed, their pipe smoke blowing towards the Bow. They gazed at the horizon as contentment settled and the chill of the air no longer bit their cheeks.

The only sound was the flapping of the sails and the waves against the sides of the ship. There were a few Elves at the bow of the vessel, but if they spoke their voices were carried away by the wind. Gandalf was nowhere to be seen.

Tentatively, Bilbo began his Tale.

“You remember how I found the Ring don’t you Frodo?”
“Of course I do, Uncle.”
“Well…Hmmm…er…well, there was a chapter or two I left out of There and Back Again.” Frodo’s jaw dropped in astonishment. He thought he knew everything there was to know about the Tale.

“Does this have something to do with the Ring? Now that it has been destroyed and its curse lifted, there is surely nothing that can come between us.”
“No, Frodo. It’s not got anything to do with the Ring…well, I mean…not directly (though it does play a small part)…indeed, without it…erm…well…” sputtered Bilbo.
“Do get on with it Uncle.” giggled Frodo. Bilbo pulled him-self together, sat up straight, fixed on Frodo intently with his eyes, then with calmness and authority he cleared his throat and began again.

“Without the Ring, my dear boy, you would have never existed. Indeed, I am more at fault than you could ever know for your sorrows. It all began as I was looking for those wretched Dwarves (confound them) in the dungeons of Thranduil, King of the Mirkwood Elves, and legolas’s father—you know…that fellow did have his cantankerous moments—In any case, I was lost.”

“I stumbled around the hallways for hours trying to find where those dratted Dwarves had got themselves imprisoned. I thought I had finally got the right of it when I entered a small Cavern. I turned a corner, and, all of a sudden, I saw the most stunning sight—a glittering, beautiful, and diamond emblazoned Grotto. Steam rose from the burbling water. I stood there enchanted, lost in a timeless reverie. I thought…well…” Bilbo’s face flushed again.

“I thought I was alone—I mean how was I to know—The Forbidden Pool—really, who wouldn’t be entranced by such beauty?” his face turned even redder. “As my eye wandered around The Enchanted Grotto, a movement caught my attention—ripples in the water just past a jutting rocky ledge. As my heart thumped so loud I was certain I would be discovered, the most beautiful Elven Lass I had ever seen (she could have put Lady Arwen to shame) emerged, dripping, from water, entirely in a state of…erm…undress.”

“I was mortified. But I couldn’t look away; some kind of Force held me Petrified. As I watched (I know I shouldn’t have) she rose, floating into the air till her toes just barely touched the surface of the steaming water. She began to slowly spin, her eyes closed, and arms reaching for the heavens. The spinning picked up speed and the water rolled off her, like water off a duck’s back. Then…to my utter horror…she began to glide towards me.”

“Something clicked inside me. I came to, and panicking, scrambled wildly behind a rock. Of course it just happened to be the rock her bath-robe was behind. I trod on it just as it flew up to meet its owner. It pulled out from under my foot, sending me tumbling, face forward, to the ground. By the time I righted myself and turned over to face her, I was shocked to see her smiling down upon me, now swathed in her robes.”

“I couldn’t comprehend why she just floated there, continuing to smile at me. I was certain that any minute Elf Guards would arrive and roughly toss me into a cell all of my own. The moment seemed to linger for hours. Then she reached out with her hand, and I flinched. She caressed my cheek, and to my dismay, she planted a delicate kiss upon it.”

“’Dear Hobbit,’ she whispered, ’Do not be frightened. I knew you would eventually come to me.’ I was flabbergasted. ‘Wha…What do you mean…My Lady?’ I sputtered.”

“’I have foreseen this moment, the moment I would meet my betrothed, since I left the Undying Lands to help free Middle-Earth from Morgoth. I did not know when it would happen, but I knew…’” A Staggered Frodo interrupted Bilbo.

“What? Betrothed!!! What do you—did she—mean?” Frodo Gasped.
“Well, if I can continue, I’ll tell you,” Chuckled Bilbo. “I admit, I was as befuddled as you are now. She gave me a soft deep look such as I had never seen. She gave me another kiss—a peck more or less—on my lips, and said, ‘But not now, not in this place, Thranduil would not understand. We shall be together again my Beloved, but for now I shall help you find your friends.’”

“I thought her mad at the time. ‘Are you certain you’re alright?’ I muttered ‘Perhaps I should call for some help for you.’ She laughed, looked at me with concern. ‘They would likely kill you right where you stand if they found you here at the Sacred Grotto. No my Dear Sweet Hobbit, I shall help you. Here is a symbol of the Truth of my Love for you.’ Then she gave me this.”

Bilbo opened his hand, and Frodo, awestruck, gazed at the silver and diamond clasp in it, gleaming in the Morning Sun.

GB

PS: You are absolutely welcome to post away Odo . I look forward to it. I love your brilliant sense of humour and wish I could write something equally witty. There is no reason we can't post parallel versions . It should be entertaining for all.

Gosh! That was quick! I've never seen someone pick up a gauntlet that quick before! Maybe I was a bit hasty with my bragging....

Odo

Yes, I spent last night and this morning composing it on my Word program (when I should have been sleeping ). I must admit, the inspiration is perhaps my own identification with Bilbo's character . Who wouldn't want to be Chosen by a Lovely Elf Lass .

GB

These things can be a bit addictive if you're that way inclined. Love what you've done. I'm gonna go away and have a think (gotta get my hair cut), and I see I'll have to make choices. Either follow you line or do this parallel thing of which you speak! Bilbo did do a similar thing. He originally told Gandalf and the dwarves a "nicer' version of his meeting with Gollum under the Misty Mountains. Maybe you're writing the 'censored' version? Anyhow, you haven't heard the last of me on this. (As to Bilbo and Galadriel. Yes, work needs to be done there too! )

Odo

More good stuff! Poor Frodo seems to be getting hit a bit hard by all this new information.



Isn't it a good if you have a hero who everyone wants to be (just like)?